I attended Sunday service today and the pastor preached about Grace. That he mentioned doing things and/or reacting in grace will change our life. 

During the preach, as always, my mind travels around looking for a match key with this topic, and it is not taking long to have the “aha, that’s true” moment. I realised that whenever I hear a sermon, advice, a statement, a podcast, or even a random conversation that touches something in me, I naturally connect it with my own experiences. I look back at how I have been living, how I think, and how I react to things. And this time, I realised something about myself.

I complain quite a lot. Most of the time, I just turn it into a little mumble inside my head, depending on how close I am to the person, haha. If I’m close enough, they’ll definitely hear some or full part of it. If not, then I just keep the whole conversation going inside my own head. 

I also can be very reactive when something doesn’t go the way I expect. I get easily triggered by certain situations or by people’s actions. Sometimes I don’t even say anything. I don’t react directly. On the outside, I may look completely fine. But inside? There is a whole different story happening. Only I know how much I react internally.

And I started thinking about how neither extreme is really healthy. Keeping everything inside and pretending it doesn’t bother us doesn’t necessarily make the feeling disappear. But throwing every reaction out onto other people can hurt relationships and affect the people around us.

Maybe grace sits somewhere in between. It doesn’t mean we never get annoyed, angry, disappointed, or hurt. It doesn’t mean we have to pretend that everything is okay. Maybe grace is simply having that moment where we recognise, “Okay, I am triggered right now. I am upset. I don’t like this.” And instead of immediately reacting, we pause, understand what is happening inside us, and choose what to do with it.

So I guess I’m taking this message home with me today. I heard it, I’m processing it, and I’m trying to acknowledge the parts of myself that probably need a little more grace. I know it won’t be easy. Changing the way we react, especially when we’ve been doing it for years, doesn’t happen overnight.

But perhaps trying is better than being stubborn with ourselves. Better than constantly justifying the way we react, or convincing ourselves that “this is just how I am.” Maybe grace starts there too, with giving ourselves enough honesty to recognise what needs to change, and enough grace to actually work on it.

As I am, still learning grace, until the next thought,

Im a mumbler